Don't Make Me Wag My Finger...

One day, when I grow up and get to be Queen of the World, I’m going to employ an army.  An army of Courtesy Officers to patrol the planet.  Not “courtesy officers” like the rent-a-cop at the mall or the bank.  Actual Courtesy Officers.  An army of men and women who will go out among the masses and promote peace and enforce good manners with stern looks and finger wags.  In the most dire situations, they may have to dole out a Time Out.

I do my part to be a good human.  I surround myself by good humans.  I teach my children to be good humans.  And then I go out in public and am mortified by the way other so-called human adults behave.  The root of it all seems clear.  These people have a warped sense of entitlement and truly believe that their time, their interests, their desires are more important than those of all of the other people around them.  I mean, don’t we know who they ARE?!?  Don’t we understand how valuable their time is!!!  Harumph!

Society is full of bad behavior and I usually just roll my eyes and move along.  Recently, however, I see more and more assholery (OK, not an actual word, but it fits) in the presence of actual children (as opposed to adults acting like children) and it’s maddening!

Last week, my daughter took part in a fun movie star camp.  She’s done it before and it’s a really cool and creative thing.  The brains behind the camp – Popcorn Media - have it right: the kids are given the freedom to tap into their imaginations and record their fun on camera.  There are no starring roles, no fancy costumes.  It’s Little Rascals style fun and watching the kids interact and support one another is wonderful.  It’s perfect.  Until the parents and grandparents get involved, that is.

At the end of camp, the completed films are ready to watch and they set up a red carpet so the kids can have a moment to feel like superstars.  They are announced, pose for the cameras on the way down, and stop to speak with the “reporters” stationed along the way.  Each kid has an equal moment in the sun.

The carpet was set up – complete with rope barricades – in a wide open space in front of the theater.  We arrived and ALL of the kids – ages 6 through 13 – sat in calm and orderly fashion while waiting for instruction about where to stand or stood off to the side while chatting with friends about it all.  The GROWN UPS, however, trampled all over the carpet.  Repeatedly.  They pushed through the crowd.  Talked over the announcements.  And just generally let it be known that their kid was far more important than all the others. 

When the kids were presented for the carpet, the idea was to cheer them all, to support them all, and to make them all feel special.  What actually happened was: the same “grown ups” who pushed and shoved to the edge of the carpet for their own kid, walked away as soon as they came through so they could hurry and push and shove their way for a seat in the theater (which, by the way, was not even open yet).  So the last few kids to make their debut had barely a handful of people cheering them.  I stomped and yelled doubly for them, because they deserved it.

That’s just one example of bad behavior that needs a finger wag from my future Courtesy Officers.  We see it every day.  When school started yesterday, there was no shortage of assholery in the car pool lane from people who couldn’t possibly wait in line behind the people who were there first because They Were In A Hurry! 

How are we supposed to instill good behavior and fair play in the hearts of children when they are surrounded by poor examples everywhere they go?

Well, when I am Queen of the World, my Courtesy Officers will keep us all in line.  Citizens of the world will learn to ask themselves “What Would Mr. Rogers Do?”  or, perhaps “What Would My Kindergarten Teacher Say?”

Several years ago, there was a best selling book called “All I really Need To Know, I Learned In Kindergarten”.  All of the citizens of my empire will be given a copy of this book as rules of the land.  Failure to follow the rules will result in stern looks, finger wags, time outs and no cookies.  If you’re going to act like a spoiled child, you should expect to be treated like one.

Think back to the basics.  Those rules have never changed and they still ring true as the Right way to behave:

• Share everything.
• Play fair.
• Don't hit people.
• Put things back where you found them.
• Clean up your own mess.
• Don't take things that aren't yours.
• Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody.
• Wash your hands before you eat.
• Flush.
• Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
• Live a balanced life - learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.
• Take a nap every afternoon.
• When you go out in the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands and stick together.

Study them.  Live them.  Because one day, when I am finally Queen Of The World, this is what will be expected of you.  If, by some strange flook, I never get to be Queen, it’s still pretty good advice.  Especially the part about cookies and naps.

Don’t make me wag my finger at you.