I went to bed the other night with a long list of things running through my head – things that must be done, things that should be done, things that I might like to do one day, and maybe some frivolous fun things, too. As I was running through the list and considering my plan of attack, I couldn’t help but wonder – who put me in charge?
Probably, as a kid, I must have thought of how things could be when I grew up. Maybe they were even good ideas and perhaps if I ever do grow up, I’ll do them but I’m not there yet. Why is my to do list so long?!? Where is my supervisor? I don’t know what the hell I’m doing!
Then it dawns on me that I have teenagers. That means that, at some point, I had babies, then, actual children! I love them madly and am very proud of the humans they’ve become but HOW!?! If I’m just a kid with no idea what I’m doing, what sorcery led to this?
With this on my mind, I had a car full of 15-year-olds today and heard them talking about their pool plans for the day and I slipped into mom mode wondering if they’d have enough snacks and drinks. I wondered if they had enough sunscreen and whether everyone had a towel. They assured me that they had it handled, so I stopped making suggestions.
While biting my tongue, I remembered a conversation with my fully-in-control grandmother when she basically said she was just winging it. Then I remembered my mother saying the same thing. I felt like my husband was in control of things, but in hindsight, he was winging it, too! Looking back at all of my mentors in life – all the people I looked to for guidance – I think we’re all the same. We’re little kids putting on grown up costumes, crossing our fingers before we jump in.
Understanding this should make every new situation easier, shouldn’t it? We’re all new kids figuring stuff out. Some of us learn how to not show it, but why? Moving forward, I will put my trust in those with honesty of a child. Those who say “I think” instead of “I know”. There’s plenty of room for “I believe” but I don’t need over-confidence. Frankly, I don’t think I’ve ever trusted that and my instincts have always steered me clear of it.
I don’t know why I was ever put in charge of anything but I suspect that is the universal question of the ages. Who thought that years suddenly meant that we know what the hell is going on and does any human being actually have it figured out? I doubt it. I don’t trust anyone who says they do. I think we’re all children playing at being mature.
I don’t wanna play that game anymore. I’m here for the real fun. Tag, you’re it!
