Thursday, February 8, 2018
The People Who Live In My Head: Me Too...
The People Who Live In My Head: Me Too...: I know, I know. The Me Too movement is hot right now and my eye rolling is not considered appropriate. Women are taking a stand and dema...
Me Too...
I know, I know. The
Me Too movement is hot right now and my eye rolling is not considered
appropriate. Women are taking a stand
and demanding to be heard. That’s a good
thing. But doesn’t everyone deserve to be
heard?
Human beings can be awful to one another. That’s a fact. Human beings have always been awful to one another. While I’m a firm believer that most humans are good, terrible things do happen. I understand that and accept that as fact but I’ve never been okay with victim mentality.
I’m a child of the 70s and I first hit the working world in the early 80s. Not only was that a time of 4 martini lunches and recreational cocaine habits, but I was also in the Spring Break center of the Southeast where debauchery was the norm. I’m also female. There is no question that my younger self was leered at, grabbed at, backed into corners, and groped by any number of customers, coworkers, and bosses – just as my mother’s younger self was chased around the desk by lecherous bosses and forced to endure endless butt grabs and inappropriate comments.
Why did these things happen? Not because men are monsters. Not because women are weak prey. They happened simply because humans are flawed and bad behavior breeds in the environments that allow it to grow. Humans make mistakes. We make decisions about our actions and, sometimes, those decisions are not the best ones. Thankfully, humans are also capable of evolving and will if they are encouraged to do so.
That is where Me Too gets it right. If bad behavior is to be stopped, it first has to be identified and rules must be made clear. That’s how we learn and that’s how we grow. My issue with this movement is the time lapsed between an action and a claim of action. Time changes memories.
As I mentioned, I have absolutely been on the receiving end of bad behavior. But right there, in each and every moment, I spoke up. I said no. I pushed back. I very occasionally threw a punch. And every single time, I told someone. Immediately. Not ten years later. Not a month later. Right there and then in the moment, I spoke up.
I’m not saying that these women who have come forward in the Me Too movement are lying. I’m not saying they weren’t treated badly. I’m not saying that the men involved didn’t do anything wrong. I’m just saying that I don’t think Victim movements are very helpful to anyone.
When every woman who has ever felt objectified stands and screams “Me Too!”, it waters down the pain of those who have actually been victimized. Poor choices sometimes lead to places you didn’t intend to be. Ideally, we walk away from those places a bit wiser and make better choices. Sometimes, the ability to leave is taken away and bad things happen. Those are the times when a person who has been on the receiving end of those bad things should stand up and speak out.
Last week, I was the lucky recipient of a jury summons. I was called upon, I was questioned, and I was selected as a juror. The case, unfortunately, was a rape case. A 5 year old rape case. For days, I sat with 12 other jurors, listening to detailed testimony, reviewing evidence, hearing witness statements, and taking extensive notes. It was very clear to me that the plaintiff believed fully that she was raped. The defendant believed fully that all relations were consensual. Certainly, police reports and emergency room exams made it seem clear that the woman was upset and had sexual contact. Reports and exams can’t say that those things were forced but the other evidence can prove or disprove it.
Based on what I saw, what I heard, and what I didn’t hear, I believe that this young woman had been drinking on her birthday and was alone because her friends had to leave and the boyfriend she lived with was sick at home. She encountered this man who wanted to party with her in the wee hours of the morning. She got in his car, with her cell phone in hand, and went to several places in attempt to find more drinks. Eventually, they ended up at his apartment, where she entered on her own, cell phone in hand, and continued to drink. Things progressed without her ever saying "No" until, at some point, her boyfriend woke up and realized she wasn’t there so he texted her. She panicked, ran out of the apartment, and began yelling and screaming until neighbors came out, leaving a scared and confused man behind. Much drama ensued, police were called, the man was arrested and she was taken to the hospital.
After collecting all of this information, when we were sent to the jurors’ room, the judge announced that I was chosen as the alternate so I didn’t have to stay for the deliberation and verdict unless another juror dropped out. I waited an entire day to hear that a verdict was decided and the man was found guilty and sentenced to 20 years. I’m still unsettled by it all.
In closing arguments, both attorneys referenced Me Too and Time’s Up. Was that enough to sway what 12 intelligent people would have decided without it? Was that enough to take this man away from his wife and 2 young children (remember this case was from 5 years prior) for 20 years? Had I not been dismissed as the spare, would I have been able to convince the others on his behalf? I don’t know and that makes me sad.
I believe that this young woman regretted her decision to go with this man that morning. I believe that she realized she’d have to answer for those decisions to her boyfriend. Her story didn’t fit the places, timelines, and evidence presented, but she’s had 5 years to convince herself that she was in the right and that she was raped. Regret is a powerful thing. But regret does not equal rape.
The timing of this case was unfortunate. Many lives have been shattered by one person’s story, just as we’re seeing careers and reputations being damaged in the daily news. I absolutely believe that some bad people did some bad things, and I’m happy that those women are finding the courage to fight. Sadly, too many other women are using Me Too to lash out for vengeance, attention, or both.
I appreciate that these things are no longer being swept under the rug and women are able to tell their stories and be heard. But single voices can easily get lost in crowds so I hope we as a society can find a way to hear individual stories, consider what we’ve been told, and base our opinions on real information. That’s how we can move forward and evolve as a human family. I further hope that those who have been a victim of something terrible can find a way to make that word past tense. I have been on the receiving end of bad behavior. I was a victim in that moment when the bad behavior happened. I don’t wear a label and carry it around. I DO carry lessons learned. I do talk to my daughters about these things so they don’t have to learn these lessons the hard way.
Do you want a world where we don’t have to be afraid? Do you want a world where we’re all respected and we can speak our truths?
Me Too. So that’s my goal and I don’t think a protest sign is going to get me there.
Human beings can be awful to one another. That’s a fact. Human beings have always been awful to one another. While I’m a firm believer that most humans are good, terrible things do happen. I understand that and accept that as fact but I’ve never been okay with victim mentality.
I’m a child of the 70s and I first hit the working world in the early 80s. Not only was that a time of 4 martini lunches and recreational cocaine habits, but I was also in the Spring Break center of the Southeast where debauchery was the norm. I’m also female. There is no question that my younger self was leered at, grabbed at, backed into corners, and groped by any number of customers, coworkers, and bosses – just as my mother’s younger self was chased around the desk by lecherous bosses and forced to endure endless butt grabs and inappropriate comments.
Why did these things happen? Not because men are monsters. Not because women are weak prey. They happened simply because humans are flawed and bad behavior breeds in the environments that allow it to grow. Humans make mistakes. We make decisions about our actions and, sometimes, those decisions are not the best ones. Thankfully, humans are also capable of evolving and will if they are encouraged to do so.
That is where Me Too gets it right. If bad behavior is to be stopped, it first has to be identified and rules must be made clear. That’s how we learn and that’s how we grow. My issue with this movement is the time lapsed between an action and a claim of action. Time changes memories.
As I mentioned, I have absolutely been on the receiving end of bad behavior. But right there, in each and every moment, I spoke up. I said no. I pushed back. I very occasionally threw a punch. And every single time, I told someone. Immediately. Not ten years later. Not a month later. Right there and then in the moment, I spoke up.
I’m not saying that these women who have come forward in the Me Too movement are lying. I’m not saying they weren’t treated badly. I’m not saying that the men involved didn’t do anything wrong. I’m just saying that I don’t think Victim movements are very helpful to anyone.
When every woman who has ever felt objectified stands and screams “Me Too!”, it waters down the pain of those who have actually been victimized. Poor choices sometimes lead to places you didn’t intend to be. Ideally, we walk away from those places a bit wiser and make better choices. Sometimes, the ability to leave is taken away and bad things happen. Those are the times when a person who has been on the receiving end of those bad things should stand up and speak out.
Last week, I was the lucky recipient of a jury summons. I was called upon, I was questioned, and I was selected as a juror. The case, unfortunately, was a rape case. A 5 year old rape case. For days, I sat with 12 other jurors, listening to detailed testimony, reviewing evidence, hearing witness statements, and taking extensive notes. It was very clear to me that the plaintiff believed fully that she was raped. The defendant believed fully that all relations were consensual. Certainly, police reports and emergency room exams made it seem clear that the woman was upset and had sexual contact. Reports and exams can’t say that those things were forced but the other evidence can prove or disprove it.
Based on what I saw, what I heard, and what I didn’t hear, I believe that this young woman had been drinking on her birthday and was alone because her friends had to leave and the boyfriend she lived with was sick at home. She encountered this man who wanted to party with her in the wee hours of the morning. She got in his car, with her cell phone in hand, and went to several places in attempt to find more drinks. Eventually, they ended up at his apartment, where she entered on her own, cell phone in hand, and continued to drink. Things progressed without her ever saying "No" until, at some point, her boyfriend woke up and realized she wasn’t there so he texted her. She panicked, ran out of the apartment, and began yelling and screaming until neighbors came out, leaving a scared and confused man behind. Much drama ensued, police were called, the man was arrested and she was taken to the hospital.
After collecting all of this information, when we were sent to the jurors’ room, the judge announced that I was chosen as the alternate so I didn’t have to stay for the deliberation and verdict unless another juror dropped out. I waited an entire day to hear that a verdict was decided and the man was found guilty and sentenced to 20 years. I’m still unsettled by it all.
In closing arguments, both attorneys referenced Me Too and Time’s Up. Was that enough to sway what 12 intelligent people would have decided without it? Was that enough to take this man away from his wife and 2 young children (remember this case was from 5 years prior) for 20 years? Had I not been dismissed as the spare, would I have been able to convince the others on his behalf? I don’t know and that makes me sad.
I believe that this young woman regretted her decision to go with this man that morning. I believe that she realized she’d have to answer for those decisions to her boyfriend. Her story didn’t fit the places, timelines, and evidence presented, but she’s had 5 years to convince herself that she was in the right and that she was raped. Regret is a powerful thing. But regret does not equal rape.
The timing of this case was unfortunate. Many lives have been shattered by one person’s story, just as we’re seeing careers and reputations being damaged in the daily news. I absolutely believe that some bad people did some bad things, and I’m happy that those women are finding the courage to fight. Sadly, too many other women are using Me Too to lash out for vengeance, attention, or both.
I appreciate that these things are no longer being swept under the rug and women are able to tell their stories and be heard. But single voices can easily get lost in crowds so I hope we as a society can find a way to hear individual stories, consider what we’ve been told, and base our opinions on real information. That’s how we can move forward and evolve as a human family. I further hope that those who have been a victim of something terrible can find a way to make that word past tense. I have been on the receiving end of bad behavior. I was a victim in that moment when the bad behavior happened. I don’t wear a label and carry it around. I DO carry lessons learned. I do talk to my daughters about these things so they don’t have to learn these lessons the hard way.
Do you want a world where we don’t have to be afraid? Do you want a world where we’re all respected and we can speak our truths?
Me Too. So that’s my goal and I don’t think a protest sign is going to get me there.
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