I don’t wanna. That’s not an answer I easily accept from my kids. When they whine that they “don’t wanna” do whatever I just asked of them, I usually say “You don’t have to like it but you still have to do it.” Lately, I’m finding that I am the person who needs to hear that. Because I don’t wanna. I don’t wanna do any of it.
My husband went “on tour” over a year and a half ago. I wake each day knowing the things I should do. I do some of them. In tiny little bits, I’ve tackled the giant honey-do list he left behind. I’ve tackled the things that have come up by surprise. But the rest? I don’t wanna.
I go into his office to pay bills and look for papers. Anything else? I don’t wanna. I don’t wanna go through the file cabinets and throw things away or to organize things in a way that makes more sense to me. It would make things easier. But I don’t wanna. I should go into “his” garage and clear it enough that I could actually park there. But I don’t wanna.
I've given away a lot of stuff to people who are happy to have it. There’s so much more to release and I just don’t wanna. Every tiny thing I touch is pretty meaningless to me (Why do I need a soldering iron!?!) but I know that it meant something to him. So I put it back down and walk away. Because I don’t wanna.
I know he’s watching. I know he’s likely rolling his eyes at me. To that, I remind myself why that honey-do list got so long in the first place. Either he didn’t wanna or it wasn’t the right time. I was okay with that then, so I’m learning to be okay with it now.
Everything important has been tackled. When the time is right, everything else will get done. Maybe one day, things will be filed and I’ll park my car in the garage. But not today. Today, I don’t wanna.
