The Ring...

 

It’s been almost three years since my husband passed. I still wear my wedding ring. I have no desire to take it off. I still consider myself to be his wife. That was the deal we made.

“Widow” is such an awkward and uncomfortable word for me to use. When I talk to new people – repairmen, neighbors, random folks I encounter – about some past experience, I still refer to “my husband”. Because that’s who he is. I don’t sleep on his side of the bed, I don’t sit in his seat at the dinner table. When I sit at his computer to pay bills, I still respect his space.

Friends and well-meaning people ask why I still wear the ring. There are so many reasons, but the weight of it feels right and natural to me. When I take it off for any reason, I miss it and it goes right back on. Maybe it’s a selfish thing. Its presence protects me from unwelcome conversations with random people and I like that.

I’m not delusional or in denial. I know he’s no longer here on earth with us and I know he won’t ever walk through the door. In 2001, when we promised each other forever, I meant it. He’s gone, but he’s still my husband. He’s still my kids’ father. So the ring stays.

Maybe, one day, I’ll be ready to move forward. Then, I guess, the ring will go into my jewelry box for safe keeping. Until then, it stays on the ring finger of my left hand where it belongs.

Words Of Wisdom...

 

When I find myself in times of trouble, words of wisdom DO come to me. They don’t come from Mother Mary, they come from Grandma and Grandpa, and they come from my own mother. Mostly, they just come from unknown wisdom of the past.

The older I get, the more regularly these things pop out of my mouth. My kids often ask why I say these “random” things and I tell them these are hard earned life lessons and that one day, they’ll be repeating them, too. This information was shared from generation to generation. I’ve heard them all my life and they still ring true.

I’m sure some of these tidbits developed because, once upon a time, the masses were largely illiterate, but the lessons still needed to be taught. Rhymes and repetition work well for the human memory. When I'm using a screwdriver, I know – because my mother knew, and her parents before her knew, Lefty Loosey, Righty Tighty. Before I pull out scissors or a saw, I know to Measure Twice, Cut Once.

I learned the HOMES to remember the great lakes, and in music, I learned that Every Good Boy Does Fine. These things may seem silly, but they do implant valuable information into my brain and I pull it out regularly with gratitude for the school teachers who planted those seeds. I can actually picture the faces of the tired teachers who rattled those things off.

Not everything came from family or school. The greatest teacher is life and if you’re paying attention, these lessons sneak in when you’re not looking. I find myself telling my kids – and sometimes random strangers – that Can’t Never Could, You Won’t Know Unless You Try, Every Journey Begins With A First Step, and that When You Know Better, You Do Better. Sometimes these tidbits are met with rolling eyes and/or polite smiles, but that’s okay. I know I’m planting seeds and that, one day, they will be harvested when the time is right.

I don’t care if these words of wisdom are attributed to me. I just know that it’s important to share them because on the road we travel, If You Want To Go Fast, Go Alone, If You Want To Go Far, You Go Together.

No Fear...

I had a conversation with friends recently that made me consider the way I live – the way I think I’ve always lived. I guess I never realized it was all that unusual. I suppose it is (and I don’t know why I’m surprised that I’d be slightly left of normal).

It all started with a bit of drama in the room in which we were standing. We were all enjoying the band, having a great time, when an unexpected brawl happened. I took a step back, watching what was occurring a couple of feet in front of me. I watched the scene play out – curious about the characters involved, wondered about the catalyst  that led to the moment. I wasn’t afraid. I was curious and interested, but not afraid. In the aftermath, my friends checked on me, making sure I was okay. I said I was fine and mentioned that I was too lazy to be afraid.

Looking back, I think that’s always been my approach in life. It takes fewer muscles to smile than it does to frown. I’m cool with that. I smile because it’s easy, sure, but also because it’s often contagious. That’s a virus I’m happy to spread. I understand that energy breeds energy so it makes sense to me that feeding the positive leaves less nourishment for the negative.

Why would I exhaust myself with anger, sadness, or worry when laughing, chatting, and smiling is more fun? Joy breeds joy. Laughter breeds laughter. Light conversation opens doors to deeper human connections. Strangers become friends. Who doesn’t want more friends?

I know, I know. So many people keep their circles tight and don’t want to let too many others in. “How can you know who to trust? What if they hurt me? What if they let me down?” To that, I say those thoughts are based in fear. I choose happiness over fear. Happiness is based in love and love has no space for negativity. There’s safety in an open heart.

Obviously, I have some responsibility to my open heart. That’s why I also have open eyes and an open mind. If I open my imaginary door to someone who is ill-intentioned or is looking to take advantage, I trust my open eyes and open mind to sense that and see it coming, so I can step away unscathed. So far that has always worked well for me, and I don’t see any reason to stop. I will continue to take the road less travelled. I’ll continue to see the path ahead of me and, if there are snakes or wild animals, I’ll slow down and assess the best route to take while also observing their beauty from a safe distance. Then keep on skipping down the road.

Life delivers plenty of unwelcome scenes. Maybe it’s an unexpected barroom brawl, maybe it’s a fender bender, maybe it’s an illness. Whatever negative thing crosses your path, there’s no room for fear. Greet every day with a pleasant nod, stay focused on your environment, and trust that your smile has more power than you realize and that positivity  is the easiest way to ride through any storm. Skipping and smiling doesn't hurt.

 

Clean Slate...

Nearly every day, I’m reminded that my life is a clean slate and I can write any kind of story I want. I know that to be true. My teenagers don’t require much more than food and water (and gas and concert ticket money). I’ve left town without them twice and returned to a house still standing. Perhaps now is the time to set chalk to that slate. But it’s just not that easy.

Have you ever bought fresh paints and canvas, or new pens and paper and been at a total loss for what to create? That’s where I sit. I know my story is in my power. I know it’s mine to write. But this blank slate is daunting! I been adrift so long – both in life and career – that I don’t even know where to begin and the things that I used to know have changed so much that they don’t recognize me any more than I recognize them!

When trying to return to the work force full time, just getting a foot in the door is tricky. I’ve done so many vastly different things in my work life that it’s hard for anyone who doesn’t know me to understand the voyage that brought me here. One thing I know for sure is that I work hard for anyone who brings me in and there’s very little that I won’t do well. I always find a way.

I think, for most people, moving forward in life is a bit like putting together a puzzle. Flip the pieces, sort the edges, review the photo on the box, and fit the pieces together. For me, my pile of pieces are what fell out of random boxes and I picked the up along my way here. I have no idea what the picture is supposed to be. The pieces don’t fit, so some razoring and the occasional sledgehammer are necessary.

The other day, I was looking for something under the clutter on my dresser and was reminded of this box.  Apparently, when I’m at a fork in the road, I get creative. At one particular “where do I go from here” phase, I got busy with magazines, scissors, and glue and decoupaged everything that was standing still. Most of these things – picture frames, coin banks, whatever – were passed along to others, but I kept the box. 

I think it just screams “ME!” so I kept it. Inside are little trinkets with memories of my life thus far. They’re all very special items that take me back to a time and place to remind me of who I am. Puzzle pieces.

 Perhaps, instead of focusing on the blank slate that stands before me, I need to think about ways to reconfigure the puzzle pieces in a way that makes me fit with the picture on whatever box wants me to climb in.

Or maybe, I’ll just pull out fingerpaints and my slate won’t be blank much longer.