Hurry Up And Wait...

I keep saying that if the pandemic has taught me nothing else, it’s taught me patience.  That’s mostly true but I can’t say it’s a lesson I’ve enjoyed.

Over the last two years, I’ve spent a lot of time waiting.  If these things can be measured, I’d say I’ve probably earned a medal in it.  You need me to hold?  Sure.  Need me to stand in line?  No problem.  Want me to sit in that uncomfortable chair in the corner while you look things up?  You’ve got it.  I can’t come inside but can wait in my car in the parking lot?  OK.  I won’t complain because you (whoever you are) don’t want to make me wait, either. I get it. You, whoever you are, probably don’t like telling me to wait any more than I like hearing it.

When my husband was first hospitalized, I couldn’t go inside with him so I had to wait.  Wait for calls, wait for questions, wait for answers.  I get it.  But I don’t sit still very well so while I waited, I clung to my old mantra: “I can’t do that but I can do this.” and tried to busy myself with other things that I could do.

I hurried up and got busy.  Our pool desperately needed a new liner.  Called the guy. Scheduled the replacement.  Waited months for the liner to arrive.  The house desperately needed siding.  Called the guy.  Waited months for the siding to arrive. Lather, rinse, repeat.  Those projects were done with so many apologies along with thanks for my patience.

Meanwhile, I really needed a source of income so I hurried up to tackle that  So many resumes were sent.  So many interviews – telephone, virtual/video, even in person – happened.  All seemed positive and promising.  I’m still waiting for the right and perfect job to reveal itself to me.

The metaphysical me understand that Right and Perfect can’t happen until the Right and Perfect time.  Unfortunately, the here on earth me is becoming frustrated with the wait. Metaphysical Me understands that time doesn’t matter in the universal plan.  Here on earth me has a watch and a calendar and the ticking just gets louder and louder.

I’m frustrated.  But hindsight shows that each of the things that I wanted to happen would have conflicted with the things that needed to happen.  So I breathe deeply.  I pull up my patience pants.  I find something to occupy my time while I wait.  And I wait.

I know that hurrying doesn’t help but that’s what I know.  Hurry Up And Wait…

 

 

Infinite Universe...

 

It’s been a very long time since I wrote here.  It’s been almost a year since my husband left this earthly plane.  It’s been much longer since he was in our home, participating in the family life.

Grief is a curious thing.  It doesn’t look the same for any two people and it changes day by day.  I haven’t really wallowed in it yet because my focus has been on guiding my kids though it.  I’m sure, wherever he is, he’s rolling his eyes at me and telling me “Don’t be a martyr.”  I get it.  But I’m a mom and that’s what moms do.  We put our stuff in a box on a shelf while we tend to everyone else.  I’ll get to it later.

That said, I’ve gotten through one day at a time.  Each day, I wake with gratitude for each day.  Maybe that’s corny, but it’s true.  For the last year, I’ve been embraced by an army of people who love me and who continue to hold me up.  I tackle what I can – with their help – and keep looking forward.

He was the love of my life.  I spent a lifetime looking for him and we built a beautiful family together.  It’s not fair!  He was one of the best humans ever.  Tomorrow, I’ll wake with gratitude and positivity, but right now, I’m sad and angry, and disappointed.

So why am I writing now?  Because my brain is full and I have to hit the release valve.

Over the last few weeks, I’ve been hit with books, movies, even cartoons about infinite alternate universes.  Most recently, I read The Midnight Library.  I picked it up (at the library, of course) because of its title.  I assumed it would be a light read.  I like libraries.  Surprisingly, there was a librarian and there were books, but it wasn’t about libraries at all.

The main character found herself jumping from life to life.  She was herself and knew most of the folks she encountered, but the details changed.  In one life, she was a famous rock star, in another, a scientist, she was a wife and mother, she lived all over the world and had adventures but relationships varied dramatically.  Her parents were alive in one but not in another.  Her brother had drastic changes from life to life.

She hopped from life to life in effort to choose the one she wanted.  Eventually she figured out that her decisions and choices had ripple effects on others in her world, so she went back to her original life with open eyes and a focus on that responsibility to make choices that are good for the whole community.

That sounds right to me.  Maybe, somewhere out there in the ethers, my husband and kids and I are living a happy life together.  I hope so. But since I’m here right now – in this life where I am figuring it out day by day, I will just continue to be grateful that I found that man, that we connected, joined hearts, and created a pretty great life together for the time we had.

I’ll wake up tomorrow and I’ll be grateful for the life I have.  I’m grateful for my home, my family, my friends, and all of the love that continues to flow my way.  I wish that for everyone. 

Viral Kindness...

I’ve talked about this so many times that you may be tired of hearing it.  You may not even believe it.  I don’t care because I believe it is a Universal Truth.  Good Is The Rule, Not The Exception.

It’s a simple truth, really.  Human beings are born without prejudice.  Babies don’t know about hate.  Those things are taught and passed down from others who have allowed fear, greed, and selfishness to infect their lives. 

In the last several years, we’ve allowed division to come between us – whether it’s political, economic, or cultural - the divide is great.  Add in a terrifying pandemic, the spotlight only seems to shine on the divide and it blinds us to the beautiful humanity that forges on quietly.  Those who continue to do the good and right things do so *because* they are good and right.  They’re not likely to be featured on the nightly news and that’s not important to them.

Good deeds have become trendy.  If people want to pay for the overpriced coffee drink of the person behind them at the drive through, I hope they feel good about themselves and continue to share kindness in other ways.  Let’s make THIS viral!

Over the last year, so many kind deeds have landed at my doorstep.  I’m grateful for every one and try to pay it forward in whatever way I can.  I don’t actually think I’m behaving differently than I have my entire life but maybe I’m a bit more mindful of it in the hopes that small acts of kindness - a nice word to a stranger, holding a door, or letting someone ahead of me in line – will plant a seed that will grow thoughout the world. 

The other day, I was at the dollar store, completing my transaction.  As I was picking up my bag, the man behind me wanted to pay for his 2 items with a hundred dollar bill and was told they couldn’t break it.  I still had my wallet out so I paid the $2.09.  He tried to decline but then gratefully accepted.  We walked out together, he held the door for me, and walked me to my car, while telling me that what he bought was ribbon for his wife’s craft project because he knew she needed more but wouldn’t have asked for it.  He left his jobsite early to get it for her and was just so happy telling me about her.  Those ten minutes I spent talking to him was quite a return on my two dollar investment. 

When I left there, I went to the post office, where there was a line.  There was a woman ahead of me and a woman behind me who clearly knew one another and were trying to talk but didn’t want to disturb the line.  I traded places with the woman behind me so they could chat.  It was a slow line, they included me in the conversation, then the man behind me joined in.  We all got something out of it while we were stuck there.  You know what happened next?  The man held the door for someone on his way out. 

This is my challenge to anyone reading this: open your eyes and look at people around you.  Smile.  Lend a hand if you can.  You don’t need to spend money to make a tiny ripple in another’s day. Just being seen can have a profound effect.  Give it a shot.

Keep your mask on.  Wash your hands.  Then do your part to make tiny steps toward making kindness go viral.

 

Bittersweet Thanksgiving...

I’ve always loved Thanksgiving for all the appropriate reasons – pie and leftover turkey sandwiches and such – but mostly because of the people.  In my life, Thanksgiving has always been a low commitment day of gathering and love.

I know that some people stress and worry over the dinner, the guest list, table decor and things I couldn’t care less about.  My experience has always been one of open doors, open arms, and open hearts.  Of course, there are favorite dishes, family recipes, and timing the turkey, but my focus has always been on ensuring there are enough chairs for everyone who may come.

I love pulling it together. As a young single girl, I’d gather friends who couldn’t travel to be with their family for a “homeless” thanksgiving.  That continued after my husband and I married, and everyone was welcome.  Often, there were paper plates and folding chairs, but there was always love. Bad jokes, old stories, sometimes forgotten cranberries.  Always love.

My husband rolled his eyes nearly every time I said it, but I often raised my glass to give thanks that “my blessings are greater than my stressings”. I stand by that.

There’s no denying that the last two years have been pretty awful. I lost my brother at the same time my husband was in a hospital bed. He was here last Thanksgiving but really too weak to enjoy it or even to join us at the table. Still, I considered myself blessed.

This year, I lost my husband. My children lost their father. My mother and a brother both had serious health scares. Many would say Thanksgiving isn’t important, but it is.  In the midst of the storm, we were held up and supported by people who love us and helped us get through. If that isn’t a reason for gratitude, then I don’t know what is.

I’m not cooking a turkey or setting a table this year.  Instead, I’m taking my girls on a road trip. We’ll spend a few days at the beach.  We’ll meet up with my husband’s brother, and we’ll share Thanksgiving with their 90+ grandmother (my girls’ great grandmother), their uncle, and cousins.  The South FL Cuban family that couldn’t be here for the funeral.  I expect some tears, but what I really expect is hugs, stories, laughter, and more hugs. Thanks Giving.

Certainly, it will be bittersweet but I believe it will be what we most need. I fully expect my husband to roll his eyes at me from the other side when I talk about my Attitude of Gratitude and say that my Blessing Are Greater Than My Stressings.  That’s OK.  I stand by it.

Happy Thanksgiving to all.  May your gravy overflow and your pie supply be abundant.