It’s been a very long time since I wrote here. It’s been almost a year since my husband left this earthly plane. It’s been much longer since he was in our home, participating in the family life.
Grief is a curious thing. It doesn’t look the same for any two people and it changes day by day. I haven’t really wallowed in it yet because my focus has been on guiding my kids though it. I’m sure, wherever he is, he’s rolling his eyes at me and telling me “Don’t be a martyr.” I get it. But I’m a mom and that’s what moms do. We put our stuff in a box on a shelf while we tend to everyone else. I’ll get to it later.
That said, I’ve gotten through one day at a time. Each day, I wake with gratitude for each day. Maybe that’s corny, but it’s true. For the last year, I’ve been embraced by an army of people who love me and who continue to hold me up. I tackle what I can – with their help – and keep looking forward.
He was the love of my life. I spent a lifetime looking for him and we built a beautiful family together. It’s not fair! He was one of the best humans ever. Tomorrow, I’ll wake with gratitude and positivity, but right now, I’m sad and angry, and disappointed.
So why am I writing now? Because my brain is full and I have to hit the release valve.
Over the last few weeks, I’ve been hit with books, movies, even cartoons about infinite alternate universes. Most recently, I read The Midnight Library. I picked it up (at the library, of course) because of its title. I assumed it would be a light read. I like libraries. Surprisingly, there was a librarian and there were books, but it wasn’t about libraries at all.
The main character found herself jumping from life to life. She was herself and knew most of the folks she encountered, but the details changed. In one life, she was a famous rock star, in another, a scientist, she was a wife and mother, she lived all over the world and had adventures but relationships varied dramatically. Her parents were alive in one but not in another. Her brother had drastic changes from life to life.
She hopped from life to life in effort to choose the one she wanted. Eventually she figured out that her decisions and choices had ripple effects on others in her world, so she went back to her original life with open eyes and a focus on that responsibility to make choices that are good for the whole community.
That sounds right to me. Maybe, somewhere out there in the ethers, my husband and kids and I are living a happy life together. I hope so. But since I’m here right now – in this life where I am figuring it out day by day, I will just continue to be grateful that I found that man, that we connected, joined hearts, and created a pretty great life together for the time we had.
I’ll wake up tomorrow and I’ll be grateful for the life I have. I’m grateful for my home, my family, my friends, and all of the love that continues to flow my way. I wish that for everyone.
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