Curse Of The Capable Woman...

The other day, I attended a Chamber of Commerce luncheon for women executives.  This is not a thing I’d normally do for a good time, but it was my first week at my new job and I thought it would be a fine way to get my foot in the door with some people I may need to know down the road.  At the very least, there’d be food!

I entered the room prepared to cringe at forced female bonding.  Roaring is just not my thing and I don’t need anyone to tell me that I am valuable or worthy even though I’m a woman.  Thankfully, it wasn’t as “Rah-Rah-Ladies” as I feared and I’m glad I went, if only for the handshakes that came from it.  That doesn’t mean I didn’t occasionally roll my eyes at Words Of Empowerment from the keynote speaker, but it wasn’t terrible.

I suppose it has more to do with my upbringing than anything else, but I’ve never struggled to find my footing as a woman in the world.  I’ve always known that I could do whatever I wanted to do and never felt that I had to fight to prove it to anyone.

Certainly, I know that my grandmother was born in a time when women were not permitted to vote.  When her rights were at last given to her, she used them.  She voted.  She drove a car when few other women of her time even attempted.  When the Catholic church decided it was OK for women to wear pants, she never turned back!  And when I was a child, she told me I could do anything.  She believed it, so why wouldn’t I?

I know that my mother, and women of her generation, went to work with the understanding that a lecherous boss would likely grab her ass or make lewd comments and that she would only go so far or get paid so much.  She also told her daughters that they could do whatever they wanted.  She believed it, so of course we did, too.

So my sisters and I – and most of the women of our generation – didn’t ever think that we  Couldn’t or that we Shouldn’t because we were female.  We learned our history.  We remembered the importance of what happened before us.  It’s important that we know it and appreciate it, but it just isn’t our burden to carry.

As a result of those who forged the path before us, I’m very secure in who I am and what my capabilities are.   The women in my family are Strong, Independent and Capable of taking care of themselves and the women that I choose to surround myself with are also strong and capable.  That’s why we’re friends.

So there, in that room full of women who possibly needed to be reminded of their value, I couldn’t help wondering how many of them have The Curse.  My grandmother had The Curse.  My mother had The Curse.  Many of my friends have The Curse.

I’m talking about a little known ailment that plagues strong, independent, self-sufficient and capable women all over the world.  It strikes at the worst possible times.  I don’t know if there’s an official scientific or Latin name, but in my circle, it’s known as The Curse Of The Capable Woman or CCW Syndrome.

My grandmother was about as Capable as any woman could be.  She was strong and healthy and did it all.  She did the family laundry in an old-school ringer washer in the basement of their home and then carried the wet laundry up the stairs and hung it on the line outside.  Sometime in her mid-90s, she told my grandfather that it had become too much for her to handle.  He responded by telling her that all she had to do was carry it up one step at a time: Lift, rest, step up, lift, rest, step up.    As you might imagine, this response did not please my grandmother.

Now, my grandfather wasn’t trying to NOT help her.  She asked for help and he offered advice that he sincerely thought was helpful.   I can’t really blame him for getting it wrong.  It’s not as though he had a lot of practice answering her pleas for help.  In their seven decades of marriage, she made it very clear that she could do it.  Whatever “it” was.  So when the time came for her to ask for assistance, she was not taken seriously.  He didn’t know how to respond.  My grandmother suffered from The Curse Of The Capable Woman.

I don’t know that my mother intended to be so strong and independent and capable, but fate made it necessary.  We children knew she could do whatever needed to be done.  Men in her life loved her for her ability to handle anything…until those rare occasions when she needed to ask them to lend a hand.  Then she was met with blank stares, slack jaws, and little action.  My mother suffered from CCW Syndrome.

It takes a strong man to partner with a Capable Woman.  They have to learn when to accept “I can do it” as truth.  If she says “I can do it”, she means it.  Or at least it means she really wants to try to do it herself.  For a secure and confident man, I think that’s probably an easy thing to figure out.  The problem lies in those very rare moments when she says “I can’t do this”, “I can’t do this by myself” or “I need help with this.”

Somehow those statements don’t register.  They go unheard, misunderstood, or – at some times – taken as a joke!  Honestly, you can’t blame a guy for not getting it.  If his partner has conditioned him to know just how completely capable she is, there’s no natural instinct to believe she might not be.

I’ve lectured my friends about the Curse.  Many of them are afflicted.  They are women in control of their lives.  They have good, loving and supportive partners.  Then that moment arises when they need help with something.  They wrestle with their own pride and ask for help.  And they don’t get it.  Not because the partner is a bastard.  Not because he’s incapable or clueless.  Not because he doesn’t want to assist.  Simply because The Curse has made the call unintelligible.

I’m not a man-basher.  I love men.  Men are not the problem.  The Curse is the issue here.  The Curse is self-afflicted and only a Capable Woman can lift her own Curse. 

One day, when I’m in charge of the world and someone invites me to be the keynote speaker at a luncheon,  I’m not going to tell women that they’re good enough to succeed in business.  I’m not going to tell them they’re worthy of whatever they want.  I’m just going to tell them to continue to be Capable, but don’t be stubborn about it.  Just because you CAN do it all yourself, doesn’t mean you SHOULD do it all yourself.  Letting someone help you is not a sign of weakness.  On the contrary, allowing someone to help takes strength and courage and being open enough to ask for that help can break The Curse.