Go Ahead And Judge Me...

About a week ago, I witnessed a neighborhood kid in the act of something really, really dumb.  He was surrounded by kids who were standing back and watching, but not participating.  Naturally, in the moment they realized they were busted, their eyes all became huge and they backed away.  Some fled.  Others stayed to see what would happen.  A few tried to defend him.  He apologized and said it was the first time he’d ever done such a thing.

 

I believe him when he says he hadn’t done it before.  But he seemed to forget in his defense that he WAS doing it just then.  We sent him home and told him to think about it and maybe he shouldn’t hang out at our house for a while.

 

A few days later, two of his friends came to our door.  They wanted to apologize.  They wanted to assure me that they were not part of the act.  They wanted forgiveness.  OK, sure, what they really wanted was to be allowed to come back to swim in our pool, but the apology was heartfelt and genuine.

 

While they were swimming with my kids (hey, I’m not a monster!), we all chatted a bit and they continued to try to endear themselves to me and separate themselves from their friend’s actions.  I told them that I know they’re good kids and that’s why they were there.   I also told them that I think their friend is a really good kid who just made a stupid choice.  They agreed and, again, declared their innocence.

 

So we talked about how I already knew them so I believed them when they said they didn’t do anything.  I saw the act with my own eyes and knew what was true.  I also told them that they wouldn’t always have that advantage and that for the rest of their lives, there will be people in their presence who make bad choices and do stupid things.  No matter how old they are, they will walk in the presence of bad ideas, stupid choices, and momentarily dumb friends.  And that, sometimes, THEY may be the momentarily dumb one. 

 

They looked like they were humoring me and didn’t really believe that old people like me had dumb friends who made bad choices so I told them to ask their own parents if they didn’t believe me.  Older doesn’t necessarily make you smarter.

 

These kids were gob smacked by this revelation!  Did I just pull back the veil of adulthood that had them thinking we’ve all got it figured out?  Oops.

 

Well, if I’ve exposed the illusion, I may as well keep going, right?  So we talked about “the incident” and how everyone reacted and that we can learn a lot about a person by the choices they make and that, like it or not, we will be judged by those choices.  They stood by their friend and defended him.  Not for his action but for his person.  In my judgment, they were good friends.

 

WHAT!?!?  Did I just admit that I JUDGED them?  Yep.  I did.  I do.  I judge.  All the time.  I’m very judgmental.  Go ahead and judge me for this…I think that’s a good thing.

I know, I know.  Society has this idea that being judgmental is a negative thing.  I disagree.  Let’s see what Miriam Webster has to say about it:

judg·ment

noun \ˈjəj-mənt\

: an opinion or decision that is based on careful thought

: the act or process of forming an opinion or making a decision after careful thought : the act of judging something or someone

: the ability to make good decisions about what should be done

 

There’s nothing inherently negative about that.  Judgment is what helps us maintain a civilized world.  We tell children to use good judgment and then yell “Don’t judge me!” at the rest of the world.  But we make “judgment calls” when making choices.  Judgment is what helps us decide whether or not we would or should do things.  We all do it.  We all should do it.

 

Judging is not the same as condemning or punishing.  Judgment is simply judgment.  It’s the fear of what happens next that makes people squirm.  I judge and then I make a choice.  If, like my neighbor kids, I see someone doing something I believe is wrong, I either choose to stop them or remove myself from their path.  Maybe I choose to try both. 

 

Being judgmental has served me well.  It’s kept me out of trouble.  It’s led me to better places.  It’s reminded me to listen to my heart and my own conscience instead of the voices of the people I’m with and, sometimes, my judgment even reminds others to make good choices.  Not always, but sometimes.

 

Once they dried off from the pool and ate their popsicles, I hope my kids – and the neighborhood kids, too – took a little something from the old lady’s speech.  I hope they can remove the stigma from the word “judgment” and remember that their own judgment is a pretty handy tool to help them navigate this tricky world.