I think every family has regular sayings that come up as
steady reminders. History lessons, etiquette
coaching, just general good ideas about how to behave in the world. Naturally, in a family as large as mine, we
had plenty that carried us through life.
Most were practical in nature – “On your feet, lose your
seat” was a real survival mantra in a house with more butts than chairs. “Mom called.” meant expectations were being
presented. The list goes on, but the ones that mattered are the ones that have
stuck with me outside of the safety net of childhood. These are the things that have guided me
through life so far and the things that, one day, will be shared with my own
kids. Eventually.
I don’t remember my mother saying “Sometimes it’s better to
beg forgiveness than to ask permission” when I was young and safe in the nest,
but she definitely shared that with me as I was testing my wings. You know what? It’s great advice and has served me well I’ve paired it with my own advice found out
here in the world – “What’s the worst that can happen? If the answer is ‘Nothing’, then go for
it.” Now, I won’t be passing that one on to my own kids until I think they’re
ready to handle it, but it’s still solid advice.
I’m sure my own kids will grow up to remember me saying “I
didn’t ask you if you want to” when they protest a command to clean their room
or something. I have many similar
things, but the one I hope they carry with them through life is the one that
will take them the farthest.
“Can’t never could”. I remember my grandmother saying this when I
complained that I couldn’t do something.
I remember my mother saying this, too.
I try to be mindful of this when choosing my words to my own kids. When they come up with some seemingly
hair-brained scheme that I’m pretty certain will flop, I try not to tell them
they can’t do it. I may question their
plan with an “Are you sure?” or “How are you going to do that?”without ever
saying “You can’t do that!” and let them see for themselves.
By “Can”, I mean is capable.
It’s not about permission. I definitely say “You may not” or “You’re not
allowed to do that” but words matter in our world (As I remind them by singing
“our words are prayers, be careful what you’re saying” to them) and try to
steer them away from seemingly bad ideas but their young lives have only just
begun. Who am I to tell them what they
can do?
My 8 year old has been saving apple seeds all her life. She states her intention to plant them one
day and squirrels them away in pockets or paper cups until they are lost and
she starts over again. In my grown up mind,
I know that I buy apples of unknown origin from big box grocery stores, so
planting those seeds is not likely to produce anything but disappointment. But I never said “You can’t do that!”
About two months ago, “Someday” arrived. My little farmer instinctively knew how to
germinate those seeds. Then she planted
them in a small paper cup, with soil she scrounged from the back yard and positioned them under a lamp. And she watched. And she waited. And I’ll be damned if tiny
little sprouts didn’t rise up from the dirt!
Every day, she watched and measured. She loved those seeds into life! We transplanted it from the tiny paper cup to
a small flower pot. And it kept
growing. So it went to a bigger
pot. And it’s still growing.
Two months later, this tiny little seed that should not have
developed is a 14 inch tall, healthy, sturdy plant. I need a bigger pot. Eventually, I assume, we’ll have to put it in
the ground and love it some more. Will
it ever bear fruit? Maybe. Maybe not. I don’t know. But I will never say that it can’t. Because Can’t Never Could.
When my daughter sees this plant, I hope she remembers that
she defied probability and made something happen. When I see it, it serves as a reminder that
the ideas and hearts of those who are determined can make the improbable become
possible!
